Don't Get Comfortable...
I signed onto the new Kwoon Talk site, adding a picture of myself that was not up close and personal. Then low and behold, Sifu Brinker asks me to change it to one that is up close and personal. I shouldn't be surprised, he's been pulling me out of my comfort zone of and on for the past fifteen years. It's not that I dislike what I look like, I don't mind the whole package, but I am uncomfortable with the close-ups. So once again I leave my comfort zone in changing my profile picture.
The whole UBBT experience has been like that... a reaching beyond my comfort zone physically and especially spiritually.
For the past few weeks, I have spent time contemplating whether to be apart of team 7. In fact it has been forefront on my mind, as has the experience of being apart of team 6. I have to be honest, I never really felt like I was a part of a team. Did that statement raise your hackles? Before you get your undies in knot, hear me out.
Firstly, when I think of team I think of a game being played. I never considered this to be a game. When I signed it was at a time in my life when I was crawling out of one of the deepest lows of my adult life. I had lost hope in myself and humanity because of the loss of respect for the most important people in my life. I was at a place of re-evaluating all I held true and dear to my heart including myself. So for me, my intention in being a member of UBBT 6 was to be a part of a life altering experience. Something that would not only affected me a week or year from now, but an adventure that would leave its mark permanately in my life. I feel it has.
Firstly, when I think of team I think of a game being played. I never considered this to be a game. When I signed it was at a time in my life when I was crawling out of one of the deepest lows of my adult life. I had lost hope in myself and humanity because of the loss of respect for the most important people in my life. I was at a place of re-evaluating all I held true and dear to my heart including myself. So for me, my intention in being a member of UBBT 6 was to be a part of a life altering experience. Something that would not only affected me a week or year from now, but an adventure that would leave its mark permanately in my life. I feel it has.
Secondly, for the most part, you all felt like a loving and receptive family, not a room full of team mates I play with a couple of hours a week. Mostly because of the blogging, your thoughts, feelings, lives often kept me company throughout my week as I contemplated the things you said. Some of you gave it your all, opened yourselves up, expressing vulnerable and intimate parts of your inner most selves. Some of you offered heart-felt compassion and words of wisdom for the posts of others. To those who participated in posting on their blogs, thank-you for your efforts. Your words, whether I could apply them to my life or not, touched and inspired me to have the courage to make it real and raw. Personally, I found the blogging to be one of the most difficult aspects of this endeavor, but also the one of the most beneficial because of your efforts, as well as my own self exploration.
This past year has been a workout like none other. Not all of my goals have been achieved, partly because, in some instances, I am just not able. I made my requirements difficult so that the endeavor would be a reach for me to achieve, and they have been. Sometimes one just has to come to terms with the last apple at the top of the tree is out of reach, and it's okay to leave it for the birds and squirrels to eat. Am I upset that I have not completed them? Occasionally yes, I feel cheated by it and everything else this body has prevented me from doing, but where would those feeling get me but angry and let down. So instead I keep working out on on my own terms, and searching for a teacher that resembles my beloved Silent River ones. I miss having an authentic Kung Fu practice... a lot.
This past year has been a workout like none other. Not all of my goals have been achieved, partly because, in some instances, I am just not able. I made my requirements difficult so that the endeavor would be a reach for me to achieve, and they have been. Sometimes one just has to come to terms with the last apple at the top of the tree is out of reach, and it's okay to leave it for the birds and squirrels to eat. Am I upset that I have not completed them? Occasionally yes, I feel cheated by it and everything else this body has prevented me from doing, but where would those feeling get me but angry and let down. So instead I keep working out on on my own terms, and searching for a teacher that resembles my beloved Silent River ones. I miss having an authentic Kung Fu practice... a lot.
This is where I left my blogging efforts to go to go to bed last night. I had planned to come back today having decided to go back to school part time instead of committing to team 7. But after receiving an e-mail from Sifu Brinker a couple of hours ago, I am wavering.
So much is going through my head as I contemplate this, as you can tell by my earlier rambling. Would being a part of the UBBT in 2010 further this journey anymore than it already has, or do I need to expand beyond so as to find the learning and growth I need and crave. Being a part of UBBT 6 provided me with wonderful insights and a plan or direction to change myself and my surroundings. I realized about half way through this last year, that my aspirations are bigger then this single trip with all of you. That this was and is an important a piece of my story, but not the whole story. The habits created and things learned here are a part of a life journey, not a solitary event to be summed up and referred to like a fantastic vacation taken. But a foundation to which to build from and to enable continued experiences, learning and growth through out the remainder of my life... much like the principles of Kung Fu have.
So what to do, what to do? I must decide by Friday.... maybe talking to all of you will help with the decision...
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